Sir, Madam, Transvestite?
by avenged
Summary: Oneshot, SasuSaku. Horrified at the idea of his clan actually being restored, Itachi recruits Hidan to help him stop Sasuke from bringing shame to the Uchiha name. Maybe he should've picked someone else...


**A/N:** Repeat after me: Crack . Crack. Crack.

**Disclaimer:** I sent Kishimoto-sama a formal demand for him to turn over ownership of Naruto to me…but he hasn't responded yet. Oh well. Time to get the pliers…

* * *

"Remind me why we're here again?"

Itachi gave his partner a look that was somewhere between contempt and complete and utter contempt. "Rumor has it that my foolish little brother has found himself…a lover."

"A lover?" Hidan replied, spitting the word out like it was burning his tongue. "Blech. The kid should've stayed asexual."

"I have repeatedly told him this," Itachi said, "but he always proceeds to attempt to cut off my testicles for some unexplainable reason."

Hidan shrugged. "I don't get it either."

"Apparently Sasuke has developed an acquaintance with foreign chemical substances called 'hormones'," Itachi continued. "These 'hormones' cause him to have strange, unnatural reactions around certain members of the female gender, resulting in groping and the exchange of many forms of bodily fluids."

"Eh?"

Itachi sighed. "He bangs girls."

"Ohhhhhh," Hidan said intelligently, a very small lightbulb appearing above his head.

"Therefore, it is my duty as Sasuke's only living family…"

"…sounds like he's going to have more family soon…"

"…to make sure that he does not contract HIV and bring shame to the Uchiha name."

"You mean your name."

"Whatever."

"And why the hell did I get dragged along?"

"Because," Itachi spat, grinding his teeth together, "you are the only member of Akatsuki who might be described as…" He choked, trying to get the word out. "…promiscuous."

"I don't do big words, Itachi."

"Fine. Sexually liberal."

"Uchiha fucking Itachi."

Itachi turned on his partner, his face resembling something like a volcano about to explode. "You, Hidan, are a man whore…OW!"

The elder Uchiha wrenched the immortal's shuriken out of his stomach and threw it back at the overly sadistic man, who let it lodge itself in his shoulder, completely ignoring the horrified looks people were giving them. "I am NOT!"

"What do you call your frequent visits to the brothel?"

"Pleasure outings."

Itachi was very tempted to have his own little pleasure outing with his kunai and Hidan's forehead, but he refrained. "Call them what you will. Just come on. We need to reach the Uchiha compound by nightfall and use your sexual knowledge to stop my brother before it's too late."

"Why the rush?" Hidan asked, stealing a hot dog off of a nearby vendor and shoving it in his mouth.

"Because," Itachi snapped, "that is when the…clan restoring…usually takes place."

An evil grin was beginning to spread itself across Hidan's face.

Itachi didn't like this one bit.

"_What_?"

Hidan smirked. "I dare you to say it."

"Say _what_?"

"Fucking," Hidan said triumphantly through a mouthful of hot dog. "You can't say it, can you?"

"I, unlike you, do not willingly defile myself," Itachi sniffed haughtily. "Now come on…Hidan! Stop harassing the damn street vendor and get moving!"

Hidan threw the mustard back at the unfortunate vendor and grudgingly followed his partner down the busy Konoha street.

_Maybe Sasuke really did cut off his testicles._

* * *

"NEJI! NEJI!"

Ino looked up from her bowl of ramen to see Rock Lee leaping down the streets flapping his arms uncontrollably while screaming at the top of his lungs, which made him look something like a mime gone wild.

"NEJI! NEJI! NEJ—OOMPH!"

"Lee, calm down," Ino ordered, pushing the youthful wonder off of her. "What's the matter?"

"Oh, Ino-chan," Lee sobbed all over Ino's shirt, causing the blonde to wish the boy had an off button, "something terrible has happened!"

"Well, what is it?" Ino asked impatiently.

"Sasuke-san is making love to Sakura-chan!" Lee shrieked, dropping to his knees and pounding the ground in frustration. "Oh, my beautiful blossom Sakura-chan! How you have been violated! How horrible! How awful! What a tragedy has taken place…"

Ino stopped listening. Her lips curled into a malicious smile.

"So Sakura's finally getting some action," she said to herself, and, completely forgetting about her ramen, she headed in the direction of her best friend's boyfriend's house. "Come on, Lee."

Lee looked up through tear-streaked eyes. "Wh…where are we going, Ino-chan?"

"To see the show," Ino said smugly, and started to run as fast she could. Uchiha Sasuke displaying emotions? This was the event of the century, and she didn't want to miss one moment of it.

Completely oblivious, Lee followed.

* * *

Kakashi suddenly froze and tensed, completely ignoring the oncoming attack.

"What is it, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, who had been sparring with the older jounin.

Kakashi sniffed the air.

x

x

x

x

x

x

"My porn sense is tingling."

* * *

"A little to the left…damnit, why did they have to put the bedroom on the second floor?"

"Well, Ino-chan, usually it is assumed that people will entertain on the first floor and keep the more private things farther away from the company…"

"Oh, shut up, Lee."

The two of them were standing outside the Uchiha compound. Having located the master bedroom, Ino then proceeded to climb on Lee's shoulders to get a better view, her companion still confused as to what exactly they were doing there.

"There! There! I see them!"

"See who?"

"AAAAAH!"

Ino tumbled to the ground, landing in a heap behind Lee. "Shino? What are you doing here?"

"I was merely checking on the anthills to the west of the village and was on my way home when I saw you two making fools of yourselves. What are _you_ doing here?"

"Oh, Shino-san, it is dreadful indeed!" Lee exclaimed, tears welling up in his eyes. "Sasuke-san and Sakura-chan have…"

"Sasuke and Forehead Girl are having sex and _I'm missing it_!" Ino hissed, glaring at the two boys. "If you want to stay, Shino, I don't care; just do something _useful_!"

Shino shrugged, channeled chakra into his feet, and climbed up the wall.

Ino gazed on stupidly and followed. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Think of what?"

"AAAAAH!"

Halfway up the wall, Ino once again fell and hit the dirt. "Kakashi? Naruto?"

"Kakashi-sensei, the porn is at Sasuke's house?" Naruto asked.

"Indeed it is, Naruto," Kakashi replied, smiling beneath his mask. "Oh, this is even better than Icha-Icha Paradise…"

Naruto scratched his head. "I don't get it."

Kakashi scaled the wall and positioned himself to the right of the window, opposite Shino, Ino, and Lee. "All in due time, young Padawan. All in due time."

Naruto joined his teacher, his expression still confused. Realization suddenly dawned, however, when he saw his two best friends in Sasuke's bed, Sasuke on top…_naked_.

"Oi, Kakashi-sensei, teme's not gay!"

"Shut your huge trap, you dumbass!" Ino whispered furiously. "They'll hear you."

"And you know how I get when I am deprived of my porn, Naruto," Kakashi said gravely.

Naruto shuddered. Never again did he want to experience _that._

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei, I'll be quiet."

Sakura screamed in pleasure, and all eyes were immediately drawn back to the bed.

Lee sniffled. "Oh, Ino-chan, it burns my poor virgin eyes…"

"Hold on," Shino said suddenly, inching closer to the window. "Who's that in the doorway?"

"Oh Kami," Kakashi breathed. "It's…"

* * *

OBITO!

Kidding.

Now back to your regularly scheduled crack.

* * *

"Uchiha Itachi," Sasuke said venomously.

"Sasuke," Itachi said emotionlessly, quickly eyeing the girl laying beneath his little brother. "So, it's the pink-haired weakling, eh?"

Sakura roughly shoved Sasuke off of her and began to get up. "I am so not a weakling…OH KAMI!" She dove back under the covers, quickly covering herself up.

Hidan nodded his head thoughtfully. "Nice ass."

Sasuke stood, oblivious to the fact that he too was naked. "Get. Out."

"You know, Itachi, your brother's really small…"

"OUT!" Sasuke screeched, his Sharingan activating as he reached for his kunai pouch, thrown carelessly to the floor in the middle of his and Sakura's, er, clan restoring.

"Calm down, Sasuke," Itachi ordered. "We only came to give you something." And he tossed a small package into his brother's hands.

"Use it well," Itachi said wisely, and he turned on his heel and left, Hidan in tow.

"What is it, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, joining her lover at the foot of the bed.

(Outside the window, all four males whistled, but were quickly cut off when Ino threatened their child-making mechanisms.)

Sasuke crushed the small piece of latex in his hand. "Damn you, Itachi…"

* * *

"Are you sure those will work, Hidan?" Itachi asked as they tree-hopped away from Konoha.

"Definitely. Best of the best," Hidan reassured him. "Ninety-nine percent effective."

"So, how exactly do those things function?" Itachi asked, curious.

"Is Itachi-kun thinking about getting a little action himself?"

"Be thankful I'm not close enough to strangle you at the moment," Itachi growled, completely forgetting that doing so would be pointless anyway. "I'm just interested."

"Well," Hidan said, pulling another condom out of his pocket (he figured he was entitled to at least one), "you put it…oh crap. I think I bought…"

* * *

"I don't get it, Ino-chan. What's so funny?"

Lee looked bewilderedly at the four other shinobi, who were doing their best to stifle their hysterics. Naruto had failed miserably and was rolling around on the ground, his body shaking with laughter.

"Well, you see, Lee," Ino began, giggling uncontrollably, "Itachi brought Sasuke…"

* * *

"…female condoms," Hidan finished.

Itachi's eyes widened. "You _what_?"

"I bought the wrong kind, okay?" Hidan yelled.

Itachi groaned. "Now what are we supposed to do?"

"I wouldn't worry," Hidan said nonchalantly, stuffing the condom unceremoniously back into his pocket. "With that tiny penis of his, your brother probably _is_ a girl.

"Wonderful. Simply wonderful. More dishonor on the Uchiha…"

"Your."

"…on _my_ name," Itachi wailed. "Oh, it's hopeless."

The two continued on in silence for several minutes before a thought popped into Hidan's head.

"So does that make Sasuke a lesbian?"


End file.
